JEFF, mid-20s male
LOCATION: Octapharma Plasma Donation Center. Jeff is in a bed and hooked up to the machine. He faces the audience; in his world, he’s looking at a wall of TVs and other patients. Note: A full bed and apparatus are not necessary; a chair with something for the actor to prop his arm up on will be quite enough.
(Lights up on JEFF, seated in a bed at Octapharma Plasma Donation Center, hooked up to one of the machines. He pumps his hand periodically throughout the piece. He has his coat draped over himself and a book sitting in his lap. He is visibly bored and annoyed. He looks around a bit but doesn’t say anything. He makes eye contact with one or two of the other patients, maybe shows half a smile. Eventually, half to himself:)
Kinda chilly in here.
(No response. He shifts under his coat and sighs heavily.)
Pretty chilly.
(Still no response. He looks around at the others. He mouths the words:)
Is anyone else cold in here?
(Still no response. He shrugs, snuggles up under his coat a little more, and sits. Pause.)
Could turn it up in here just a little, Octapharma. Warm up your patients – or your customers – a little. Get that blood and plasma flowing right. Could be snapping people in and out of here, just like that. But nope. Octapharma don’t do that.
(Pause.)
Octapharma. Octa. Pharma. Octapharma, anyone?
(He looks around. No response.)
Weird name. Octapharma. “Pharma” I get – like pharmacy, pharmacist, pharmacology – I get that one. It’s the “octa.” “Octa” like “eight?” Octagon? Octave? October? Well, October doesn’t count, not now anyway. It did in Rome, in the old Roman calendar, but alas, that was many moons ago…
(He looks around sheepishly. To himself:)
Probably the only one who knows jack about the Roman calendar here.
(More loudly, trying to be funny🙂
I could lecture, you know? Little Greek history, little Roman history. Little bit of literature…
(He holds up the book.)
Odyssey, anyone? Anyone up for a little Homer? Little culture, maybe?
(No response.)
No? Okay.
(He goes quiet. He shifts under his coat again.)
Think we’re past chilly now. We’re moving into freakin’ cold.
(He gets as comfortable as he can and sighs. He looks at his arm.)
Why does it take so long? I don’t understand. I drink like a fish and I’ve got great veins. Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper and freakin’ NPH would kill for these veins.
(He looks around again.)
Anybody ever watch Doogie Howser? I was really little so I don’t really remember it. Would not have pegged him for success.
(Pause. He shifts again.)
Ugh. Why do I even come here? It takes so long.
(Long pause. He looks around a little, maybe drums on his knees, hums a little. He finally sighs and resigns himself to reading. He fumbles his book and accidentally drops it on the floor.)
Oh, dammit.
(He looks around.)
Hello? Can someone…? Just dropped Homer here. The Odyssey.
(No one comes.)
Oh, yeah. Now you’re all busy. I really need to read this, you know? It’s important. Okay…
(He reaches down as far as he can but can’t get it. He tries again. He tries one more time and pulls his other arm too much. He retracts in pain.)
Ah, geez! Ouch.
(He lies back and swings a leg over trying to get to it. He only succeeds in pushing it further away from himself. He gives up.)
Fine, be that way. You were getting boring anyway.
(He looks up at one of the TVs in frustration.)
Great. Just watch commercials while they suck the blood out of you. Make a day out of it.
(He looks around and raises his hand in one last feeble attempt to get someone’s attention. He gives up and looks back at the TV. Something comes on that catches his attention.)
Holy crap, Boy Meets World? Wow. I haven’t watched this show in years. I didn’t even know it still ran. It got too dramatic towards the end – too soap opera-ish – but the early years? Oh, man. Fine television.
(He watches happily for a while.)
“Topanga!” Anyone remember that? Where he first starts liking her and he just says her name over and over again like “Topanga?” “Topanga!” So funny.
(He watches some more.)
This was, like, pivotal to my childhood. I was nothing like these guys – I didn’t even live anywhere near them – but they were totally in my life, you know?
(No one responds. He doesn’t seem to care as much now.)
Oh, man. I remember wanting to be like them. Sort of average, you know, not really that brilliant at anything, but still part of a unit. That’s what I liked about them, that they were always together. I liked that. And they dealt with some real stuff, right? Some real kid, real teenage stuff. But they always worked it out, and that was cool. It was very comforting.
(He watches for a while.)
Too bad life isn’t really like that, right? Things don’t just wrap up, you know? I mean, there are fixes and stuff, you know, stuff does “work out.” But definitely not in thirty minutes – not even thirty minutes, more like twenty-two, twenty-three minutes with commercials – definitely not in twenty-two minutes. Guess that’s where the fantasy comes in, huh? That’s why it’s TV.
(He watches for a while.)
You know, I used to expect things to just wrap up nicely at the end. Because I always tried to be like them, you know? Tried to be cool, be interesting, have a cool girlfriend, be in a group – a collective. But then I learned that didn’t really exist. That it’s not really that straightforward, that clean. And it was sort of like…bummer, you know? I mean, I still love the show and all, it’s just not…it’s not really realistic, is it?
(He watches.)
Yeah. Not realistic. Not realistic at all. Kind of, uh…kinda disappoints you when you realize that. Very disappointing.
(He watches.)
Probably shouldn’t even be showing it in here. It’s misleading. It’s like…
(He looks around.)
I mean we all know, right? Look at us. We’re here getting blood sucked out of us and then put back in for what? Thirty bucks? Who does that, right? Who does that? Are we really so hard up for thirty bucks that we have to be treated like farm animals here? I mean, it never wraps up in twenty-two minutes for us, am I right?
(He points at the TV.)
It’s probably all their fault, you know? They never had to sell plasma. Their lives never hit the skids. They never had to give up. Didn’t matter what happened to them, all they had to do was ride it out for twenty minutes and then boom! It’s all wrapped up tight at the end. Back to Happy Funtime Land. Ridiculous. Just ridiculous.
(He looks around and waves his hand.)
Hello? I’d like to be unhooked, please. I’m not watching this bullshit. No more for me, thank you very much. Hello?
(No one responds. He starts picking at the needle in his arm.)
Fine, I’ll just…okay…how do they do this? Ow!
(He stops.)
That hurt. Ooh, that one hurt a lot.
(He looks around more frantically.)
Hello! I could use some help here, please. I’m not trying to be rude, I just…it’s not working out. Nothing’s really work out.
(Still no one responds. He grabs his coat and starts waving it around.)
Hello! Over here! Mayday! Ahoy! I’m tired of this ride and I wanna get off. If you’re not gonna wrap this up in twenty-two minutes for me all nice and tight then I just need to piss off, okay?
(Still no response.)
I’m starting to get angry. I said I’m starting to get angry! I don’t wanna have to call corporate over this, okay? Don’t make me call corporate!
(Still no response. He throws his coat down.)
Well screw you, alright? Screw all of you! You want me to suffer with you? Fine! I’ll just suffer. That’s what I’ll do, I’ll suffer. But I deserve better.
(He tries to cross his arms in a pout and immediately yelps in pain.)
Ah! Ah! Ooh, ooh… Okay, okay, I think I burst something there.
(He looks around again more helplessly.)
Hello? That one hurt that time. Anyone?
(Still no response. He sits back and tenderly massages his arm. A long pause. He looks around one last time and then resigns himself. He starts to pump his hand again).